It’s been a year since my mom died, and today is her birthday.  This has been a rough week trying to deal with the emotions that surface when I think about what was going on this time last year.  However, I wrote this email to my sister back in November and I’ve found that it sums up a lot of the way I view life now without Mother. She had written to me about how much she misses Mother, so I wrote this back to her:

As far as what you’re feeling about Mother, you know I understand where
you’re coming from. I’m not qualified to “preach” to you, so I won’t,
but I personally have been questioning God a lot lately, myself. I see
that baby in Jessica’s womb, and I see it moving around, and it’s
little arms, legs, hands, feet, etc. and I’m overwhelmed with joy. But
then I look around and see Jessica’s mom standing there looking at the
ultrasound, and I think “Why would God take Mother from me before this
happened?” I haven’t really come out and said it, but I’m somewhat
bitter about not know why He would do something like this to me when He
knows how much it meant to me.

I saw Jeffrey Barnett coming out of Food Lion on Saturday, and when I
saw him my heart sort of skipped a beat because I can see some of
Mother’s face in his. I rolled down the window and talked to him for a
minute, and then he left. After he left, I tried to think of the last
time I had seen him, and I couldn’t remember. Then I thought about the
last time I went to Mother’s grave, and I couldn’t remember that
either. So I decided to go out to the cemetery in the Nissan (Mother’s
old car). The radio doesn’t work, so I had complete silence all the
way out there. Usually I’m a complete mess by the time I get out
there, but this time I was calm when I got out there.

I spoke to her as if she could hear me, and I felt comforted. I told
her “Well Mother, I finally got your car, as you can see.” Then I
talked about how I had gotten some things fixed on it. Then I told her
about the baby, and how excited I am about it. Then when I looked up
and saw that car sitting there, and I thought about the times she had
told me she had driven that car out to the cemetery to see Aunt Cat,
and Papaw, I completely lost it for a several minutes. Then I felt
comforted again, and I got myself together and talked to her about the
family, and about Pops, and Jessica. I even talked to her about how
I’m such a terrible Christian, and that I’m starting to feel like I’m
no longer saved. I know it sounds crazy, but I actually sat there and
talked as if she could hear me for about an hour. I sat on the side of
her headstone and talked about everything that came to my mind. Once I
got everything aired out, I told her I was sorry that I hadn’t been
coming out to see her more often, but that I hadn’t been able to get
myself mentally ready to do it. I told her that Pops had wanted me to
take him out to see her when he was out at our house two weeks ago, but
that I told him I couldn’t do it mentally. I then promised her that I
would bring him out with me the next time he came down to spend the
night with Ann.

I have felt somewhat better since I went out there, but I still find
myself getting upset and going into another room to cry. As a matter
of fact, I couldn’t even write this email without it happening. When I
stand back and look at why I even bother to continue going on with
life, I think about the words Jim Hutchison said to me. I had told him
that I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life without my mother,
and he said “Kevin, just think about this… The time you have left
here on earth without your mom is like the blink of an eye when it’s
compared to the time you’ll spend with her in eternity when your time
comes.” I think about that a lot. I’ve thanked Jim over and over for
those words, and I don’t think he can possibly imagine how much it does
for me to think of things that way.

The last thing I’ll say about this is that there are a lot of times
that I can still see Mother, only it’s in an abstract way. I can see
Mother in all of us. Jeffrey has her temper, and her hard head.
Marcus is like her with the way he’s always picking on his kids, and
everybody seems to like him right away (the same way everybody loved
Mother after they met her). Then I look at you, and think about how
you’ve inherited a lot of Mother’s traits, too, such as her sense of
humor, her temper (well, I think we all got that from her though), her
love for the holidays, her passion for family, and even the ability to
cook like her. I sometimes see Mother in myself when I find myself
laughing out of control, or laughing about things that other people
don’t find funny, or whenever I find myself being a motor-mouth.
Jessica calls me “Rita” on a regular basis (and in a good way, of
course) because I’m stubborn.

So when you look at it from that point of view, we still have Mother
with us, it’s just that she’s just split up amongst us. I plan to go
on living my life and strive to be the person she raised me to be. I
know she wouldn’t have me, or any of the rest of us be down in the
dumps just because she’s not here. Yes, she’s was the life of every
party or get-together, but God decided to invite her to His party, and
she’s with Him now. She’s there with her Earthly mother and father, as
well as her big sister, so she’s in good company. If we keep our hearts
in the right place, we’ll see them all again when the time comes, but
in the meantime we have to continue with our own lives and make the
most of it while we can.

Life is beautiful, and way too short to be down in the dumps and sad
all the time.