Today has been an unprecedented day for me. It’s been such an outstanding day that I can’t even make myself go to sleep. So as my mind keeps replaying this day in my head, I want to take the time to write things down here so I never forget how special this day was for me.

The day started off with what some people may consider an inconvenience. My little girl, America, woke up crying around 6AM this morning, so I went to her room, got her out of bed, and put her in bed with me and Jessica. I didn’t want to stimulate her because I wanted her to get her sleep, so I didn’t say anything to her. I just put her head on my shoulder and carried her to our bed as she put her arms around my neck and quietened down. By the time we got to the bed, I was sure she had gone back to sleep. When we got in bed beside Jessica, I looked over at America as I patted her on the back to soothe her. She appeared to be sound asleep until I saw her open her eyes, look at me, and then smile her cute little smile at me. I smiled and then stifled a little laugh as I realized she was feeling a little mischieveous being in bed with her mom and dad. Now some people may think of something like this as being an inconvience, and get no joy from it at all, but it wasn’t the case for me. You see, it always makes me happy to see my children react to me with happiness like that. I’ve said it before, maybe on the family blog, but I really feel a strong love from/for my children that I haven’t really felt since my mother died. Don’t get me wrong, I’d die for Jessica, but trying to define love for your kids, or love from your kids, is like trying to define love itself… it’s indescribable. I never want to take my kids for granted.
After a big push to get to church on time, we arrived late. After we were seated, a friend pulled me aside to share some good news with me about his wife being pregnant with their third child. I was ecstatic!  I wasn’t around the two of them when they had either of their first two children, but God willing I will be around for this one! I’m excited, to say the least, so I can only imagine how excited they are… truly great news!

I went back to my seat and enjoyed the worship service, which was being lead by the Bedford Acres Youth. Jessica leaned over to me and pointed out that Coach D. Robinson would be giving the sermon. I didn’t know who he was, but WOW… he was excellent! I enjoyed his sermon, and I got a lot from it about being a witness, and how important it is to be a good witness to our children. After his sermon, an invitation was given. As I was standing there singing, I saw Jessica leave our row of seats and I assumed she was going to the bathroom because she hasn’t been feeling good lately. However, instead of turning toward the back of the church, she turned toward the front and began walking up front where she knelt and prayed. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to interfere with her prayer, so I stayed in my seat. As I sat there, I prayed that God would help her with whatever she has on her heart. Little did I know that I was really praying for something that I pray for ALL the time. She later revealed to me what she had prayed about and I was sort of shocked by what she said. I won’t say what it was on here, but there’s nothing she could have said to me to make me any happier. I can only pray that God answers our prayers.

And speaking of answered prayers, it was announced at the end of the church service that our interim pastor, and one of my favorite people of ALL TIME, David Casey, had been unanimously voted to be our next senior pastor! Dave is an amazing friend, and an incredible preacher. This was some of the best news I’d heard in a LONG time. I was so happy that I just thanked God over and over for giving us this awesome guy as our pastor. I can’t wait to see how God uses him as the official senior pastor of Bedford Acres Christian Church.

And that’s pretty much how this unlikely day, filled with nothing but good news, started out and ended. I spent the rest of the day with Jessica and her family, and some friends. Days like this don’t happen very often for me. I get so discouraged throughout a given week that I don’t expect much in the way of good news. But it seems that all those weeks/days/months without good news were really having their good news stored up for this day. I have heard it said that “every failure is a prayer failure”, and I really believe that. God answers prayers all the time, it’s just that we just don’t always see them answered because they might not have turned out the way we wanted, or we take so many things for granted that we can’t see the answer right in front of us. But this day was filled with obvious blessings and I’m especially thankful. God is good, all the time! Believe that!

Last summer I bought a voucher for the Sun Certified Java Programmer (SCJP). I had plenty of Barnes & Noble gift cards, so I bought the SCJP exam study guide (the book you see over on the left there) and have been reading it off and on since then. So I’ve been putting off taking this exam for quite some time now, but it’s time I take the chance and go for it. I’ve scheduled an exam at a Prometric exam location for next Wednesday (March 26). As a result, I’ve really been buckling down to make sure I’m prepared for this exam.

I’ve discovered a several things in this book that I didn’t know, or had little knowledge about. Learning about abstract classes was sobering. I hadn’t created an abstract class in any of my own projects, but once I learned about their usefulness, I quickly realized how much easier my plugin framework for jbot would have been. I mean, I had the concept down, but there were some things I was doing that could have been done much easier if I had used an abstract class as the main plugin class, and then had all plugins extend that class. I quickly went back to the jbot source code and altered all the plugins I had made, as well as the PluginManager class to take advantage of the new abstract class I had created.

The main reason for this blog post is for me to say that if I’m successful with this exam, I’ll be elated beyond words. It’ll definitely be the best thing I’ve done for myself since I graduated college. I plan to put a big SJCP logo on my site if I pass. If I don’t pass, then I’ll buckle down some more and take the exam again in April.

So watch http://kevinadams.info for a Sun Certified Java Programmer logo, and pray for me that I get this certification. This is something that will not only help my career, but will be the realization of a long-time dream of for me. I’m always in doubt about whether computer programming is the right career for me, and I think this certification could affirm my decision to get into programming (or it could have the opposite effect if I fail).

To paraphrase 1 Thessalonians 5:25 to fit my situation: “Brethren, pray for me.”

Today marks 13 years that Jessica and I have been together and I thank God for every one of those years, and however many more He chooses to give us.

Jessica and I met while we were both working at Food Lion. I was the dairy guy, and she was a cashier. I can still remember the first time I actually noticed her. She was giving one of the baggers a hard time while she was scanning groceries and I laughed at what she was doing to him, and she glanced up at me and started laughing with me. It was then that I started to pay attention to her when she talked, or when somebody else was talking about her (usually managers complaining to each other about her asking off for church events). This was another thing that caught my attention. She was dedicated to church, which was something I definitely wanted in a girlfriend. I knew a church-going girl would have morals and be trustworthy. My last ‘girlfriend’ was the exact opposite of that (and I don’t mean to offend her if she’s reading this, but she was young at the time, and it was to be expected).

As time went on, she and I began to talk casually when she would take her breaks. She’d spend her break sitting in the dairy aisle talking to me about various things (usually work-related) but I always wanted to know about what she was like outside of work. I remember her telling me about her intention of going to the Cincinnati Bible College to get a degree in Deaf Ministries. Needless to say I was shocked to hear this because I couldn’t imagine that anybody would want to do sign language stuff unless he/she was deaf. I really couldn’t say much though because I had many weird desires myself (I read economics, physics, math, chemistry, english literature, and several other nerdy books in my spare time). At this time I had planned on being either an economist or something to do with physics.
During this period I quickly learned a lot about Jessica. I found out that she didn’t like to be called anything but “Jessica.” I called her “Jess” or “Jessie” once and I was promptly told that her name is “Jessica”, and to never call her anything else. At first I was offended by this, but then I figured anybody who wanted to go to school for deaf ministries was bound to have some weird qualities here and there.

I also learned that she was not the type of person to take any crap from anybody. I had seen (and heard) her stand up to two of the meanest managers we had ever had in our store and survive to tell the story. I always admired her for that. I would later discover that she is that way with everybody, period. At one point in our dating lives I asked her to let me know in advance if she was about to get nasty with somebody at a store so that I could go hide and act like I didn’t know her. She started warning me and true to my word, I would go hide. I thought it was embarrassing at the time, but I’ve gotten used to it over the years.
Months after our little talks in the dairy aisle, I decided to ask her out. After weeks of deliberation (on her part) we finally went out on a double date on November 25, 1994.

On this date I saw a young woman who prayed at our dinner when all of the rest of us were sitting there running our mouths. We hit it off well with each other and we began to see more and more of each other outside of work. She came to my house and hit it off so well with my parents (especially my mom) that she started coming over to my house to hang around with my mom when I wasn’t even at home. My mother loved her which made me love her all the more. Jessica spent so much time at my parents house that her own mom began to get mad at her for not spending any time at home with her own family. I can’t count the number of times Jessica would go out shopping with my mom and come back to tell me about the adventures she’d had with my mischievous mom. When the two of them got together, something outrageous was bound to happen.

I’ve always been shocked that Jessica stuck with me at first. You see, at this time I was a perfectionist to the point of being borderline OCD. I ate the same things on the same days/nights each week, and I had a routine that my life fell into that made me seem like an old man. Also, I didn’t throw away mail at all. I kept ALL OF IT, including junk mail. I’d put it all in boxes and store it in my parent’s attic. When she discovered this, she started helping me get rid of it. I remember the first time she ripped up some junk mail of mine and threw it in the trash can. I honestly felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I wanted to pull that mail back out of the trash can and tape it together and put it in my box, but I knew she wouldn’t let me. I freaked out on her a little, but I let it go. I was also a neat-freak. I made up my bed every morning as soon as I opened my eyes. I couldn’t stand to see it messed up, and it bothered me when Jessica would come over to my house and sit on my bed and mess up the covers. I didn’t realize it at the time, but Jessica says she remembers seeing me cringe when she’d sit on my bed. She has also told me that I used to go straighten it up when she’d get up. I was also a nut-case about the way my clothes were hung in my closet. They all had to face the same direction with the hanger pointing to the left shoulder of the shirt. To be honest, I’m still weird about that even today. This is one thing I never got over. You might think she turned me into a slob, but she actually helped me get past looking at the little things in my life like that didn’t really matter and start enjoying life.

Starting a relationship with Jessica has been one of the most special things God has ever done for me. He sent the perfect woman, my soul mate, along a path that would cross with mine so that we could be together. She has overlooked many of my shortcomings, and straightened out the ones that shouldn’t be overlooked.

She gave me my first Bible. She took care of my mom when my mom got sick in 1995/1996 and I’m forever grateful for that. There’s no way I can describe how much that means to me. She has supported me in practically everything I’ve wanted to do (except storm-chasing). I’m always worried that I’ll become a failure, but Jessica always believes in me the way my mom did (even though she does it in a different way).

So here we are 13 years later. We’ve been married for 9.5 years and we’re now parents to a little girl who has me wrapped around her little finger (yes, I admit it) and God willing, we’ll become parents to a second child in May/June 2008. But I just want to take this opportunity to thank God for my wife, and best friend, Jessica. Through her alone He has given me more than I ever deserve in this life. But He continues to bless and I love Him for what He has done for me.

Mrs (I can call her that now without the whole “My name is Jessica” speech), if you’re reading this, I just want to let you know that this blog post was written for you, and that I love you more than I could ever express in words.

My father-in-law and I went to another great Trans Siberian Orchestra concert on November 17, 2007. This was our second TSO concert and it was just as awesome as the first one.

I see a lot of people hitting my blog in search for “How long is a Trans Siberian Orchestra concert”, so I’ve decided to break it down here for you as to how long the concert actually is, and what happens during this time.

I don’t remember how long the first concert was because I was in awe the whole time. However, since the second concert is still fresh in my mind, I’ll describe it here. Click on the image to the left to see the seating chart and the location where we sat. You’ll see a red dot on section 23 that depicts where we sat.

The show started off with the same theme as the concert we had seen back in 2005, The Lost Christmas Eve. I was pleased with this because I really wanted to see this again. This part lasted about one hour and fifteen minutes. This part of the concert is more of a production, like a hard-rock musical without anybody playing parts. They have a narrator who sets the mood for the songs they sing and then different singers come out and sing songs throughout the concert. Sort of hard to describe but that’s about as good as I can get. One really neat part was that they had snow machines that blew out “snow” on everybody.

The second part of the show lasted about one hour and ten minutes. This was more of a jam-like part of the show. Despite where we were sitting, we had the opportunity to see some of the band members up close. In the back of the arena, behind the sound booth, they sat up a platform where Jennifer Cella and Danielle Landherr came to sing part of a song. We were sitting right in front of them which was pretty neat. Later, Chris Caffery and another guitarist (can’t remember his name, and I don’t see him on the website) came back to the same area and got on a riser that lifted them up while they played. This platform also had some pyro on it that shot some pretty big flames that we could feel the heat from. It’s worth noting that the second part of the show seemed to be quite a bit louder than the first part. My father-in-law and I both agreed on that.

Overall the concert lasted for about 2 hours and 25 minutes. The band and all the singers made themselves available after the show for a meet and greet session (for free). My father-in-law and I went to the floor immediately after the show and talked to one of the sound guys who was nice enough to tells about the desk (or board) and the in-ear monitors they use. The guy got pretty technical on us, but we knew enough to understand that he was talking about some heavyweight equipment. My father-in-law and I went to the meet/greet area and saw a super-long line so we decided to just stand there and check the band out as they got off the elevator (we were standing about 15 feet from the elevator). The band members seemed nice and they signed items and talked to people as the moved through the line. I took some pics with my cell phone but they’re terrible, so I doubt I’ll post them.

Anyway, the show was well worth the $42.50. If you’re considering seeing a TSO concert, do it! You’ll go back to see them every year after that.

I’ve decided to write this post as a testament to what God does when you stand up for Him, and live by your convictions.

I’ve been in the 27 South band for about two years. Although I’ve always been a lead guitarist in every other band or group I’ve been a part of, I was asked to play bass in 27 South. I was told this band would be a praise and worship band, and that’s one of the main reasons I joined. I had played bass in church several times, so it was no big deal to me.

As time went by, we slowly abandoned praise and worship music and became a regular rock band whose rule was “We will NEVER play in bars.” Although I wasn’t a Christian at the time I joined this band, I was pleased with this rule. I’ve never wanted to play music in bars, period. I hate the smell of alcohol and cigarettes, and I don’t like being around drunk people. I became a Christian during my time with 27 South, so this rule meant more to me than just a personal preference.

We stuck by the “no bars” rule for quite a while, but after disappointing gigs at places other than bars, we relented somewhat and started playing at a place called Sweet Potatoes in Versailles, KY. This place was a restaurant that also had a bar (like most restaurants these days). At first I was apprehensive about playing there. I was worried it would be a drunken bar, but it turned out not that it wasn’t. However, it was bad in it’s own way. People were drinking alcohol there, and the place was very smoky.

My first clue that I shouldn’t have been there was when pregnant wife came to watch us play at our first gig. Although I wanted her to come and see us play, I was worried about her being in such a smoky place.

My second clue that I shouldn’t have been there was that we played on Saturday nights until 12:00am. We wouldn’t get home before 1:30am or 2:00am, and I always came home smelling like smoke. But the really bothersome thing was that I’d have to get up early on Sunday morning to go to our praise band rehearsal (for church). I recall taking my shower, getting my clothes ironed, shining my shoes, and then going to my room to get my gig bag. When I picked that thing up, the smell of smoke was overwhelming. I was embarrassed to pack that smelly thing in the church. I did that several times, and each time it bothered me more and more. I wanted to say something to the band members about how it bothers me to play at Sweet Potatoes, but I let it go.

On April 10, our little girl came along. I took time off from the band and they continued to play at Sweet Potatoes. At this time I decided it would be a good time for me to just quit the band. My main reason for quitting was the whole bar thing. I felt the band would eventually begin to play more bars if we became so comfortable playing at Sweet Potatoes. However, everyone around me told me I was quitting for the wrong reasons (my own wife told me the same thing). I began to feel like I was letting people down, so against my better judgment, I stayed in the band.

We had a practice a practice on Tuesday, August 21st. It was at this practice that our band leader (Mike) informed us that he had talked to a local venue (The Cue) and was looking to get us a gig there. Although everybody else in the band was ok with it, I was not. I told him I didn’t want to play there. He then told me that the place was no worse than Sweet Potatoes, but I went on to tell everyone about how I’ve been struggling with playing Sweet Potatoes, and that I didn’t want to go back there and play either.

I’m not sure what made me suddenly stand up for my convictions, but playing at The Cue was completely out of the question for me. That place is definitely a bar to me. Yes, they serve food, but after 9:00PM (the time we were supposed to start playing) the only thing that’s served there is alcohol. I was asked to consider playing there, and I said I would, but my mind was made up already. I did give it some thought throughout the week, but my mind never changed.

On Monday, August 27 I received a call from Mike. He asked if I was still against playing at The Cue and Sweet Potatoes, and I said “yes”. I told him I felt personally convicted about playing those places, and that I wasn’t trying to be judgmental towards them, and I didn’t want to keep them from playing places, so if he found a replacement for me, I wouldn’t have any hard feelings. I even went on to tell him that if that’s the direction the band was going in, then it might be best to find a permanent replacement for me, and I wouldn’t be offended if he did so. Mike agreed that it would be best if we just parted ways after the August 31st gig.

I emailed a friend at work and told him about what had happened and he asked me what I had planned to do next. I told him I was planning on maybe taking jazz piano lessons or something, but I really didn’t have any definite plans. It seems God did!

Later that same day, I received a telephone call from Trish Torline. I met Trish at Bedford Acres Christian Church back in June. She had come to play a couple of her original (Christian) songs for us. She needed a bass player, so I sat in and played bass with her that day. Apparently, she hadn’t forgotten me.

When I talked to her she told me she was in need of a bass player for her band. I was in shock. I stuttered and stumbled over my words because I suddenly came to the realization that God had made all this happen for a reason. On the same day that I left one band that I felt was headed in the wrong direction (for me, spiritually), I was asked to join an incredibly good Christian band. I accepted the offer. I told everybody I was afraid to NOT take the offer for fear that God would kill me (joking, of course).

It’s very obvious to me that God wanted this to happen. I’m a terrible Christian. I try hard to do things right, but I always mess something up along the way. But God loves me and forgives me for things when I ask Him. I’m completely unworthy of such a blessing as what God did for me in this situation. It’s sort of scary for me to think that God is doing something with my musical abilities. It’s hard to imagine that God has an interest in me, but somehow He does and I thank Him for that.

The lesson to be learned here is to follow your convictions, and truth will stand!

I find myself becoming more and more annoyed with things that seem to occur over and over in everyday life. I’ve decided to make a list of those things and post them on here, along with a reason why I find each of these things annoying. These “Enough Already!” posts will most likely be a series of posts because there isn’t enough room to write so many things down on one blog. I’m sure the database would probably crash if I wrote down all the things that annoy me on a daily basis. Anyway, here are some that come to mind today:

Country music artists singing Christian-themed songs
I’ve noticed several country musicians have decided to sing songs that talk about their salvation. Some of these musicians have the gall to sing these songs and still come out with other songs that are about having promiscuous sex, or getting drunk. Big & Rich is the perfect example of this. They have a song called “Saved” that talks about God’s power and mercy, yet on the same album they have a song called “Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy).” I looked up the lyrics to the Save A Horse song and it’s filled with things that God wouldn’t be pleased with. Musicians who do this are merely making a relationship with God seem like an afterthought, and are just toying around with God. I will go on to say that people who really know God wouldn’t play around with Him like this. As the Bible says “choose ye this day whom ye will serve…”

Public restrooms that use cheap toilet paper
I’ve tried many times over to figure out a logical reason for this. I’ve been unsuccessful. They put toilet paper on there that’s so thin you can see through it. I guess they think they’re saving money by doing this, but it would stand to reason that if you have such thin toilet paper, people are going to have to use more of it in order to do what they need to do. Wow, give me a freakin’ break! This toilet paper is so thin, I wouldn’t even feel comfortable wiping off the toilet seat with this toilet paper. Stop being cheap and actually go out on a limb and get decent toilet paper for your customers to use! Please!

Game shows that are so similar, they can only be distinguished by their hosts
Why is that? I know there are two shows now that have to do with singing. One is “The Singing Bee” and the other is “Don’t Forget The Lyrics”. These two shows are very similar, and I usually don’t even know which one I’m watching until I see the host. There are other shows like “1 vs. 100″ and “Deal or No Deal” that absolutely drive me crazy. They do those long dramatic pauses when the contestant has struggled with a question. Both of these shows have the same “feel” about them as “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”. Do the people who make these shows think that we can’t possibly get enough of watching a person torture themselves about picking a case, or answering a question? Please, find something original to put on television rather than rehashing the old stuff, or stealing ideas from the UK. This slays me…

Tabloid Television Shows
I’m so tired of hearing about how badly the rich celebrities have it. There seems to be no end to the number of television shows that want to tell you about the dramatic real lives of celebrities. Who cares? These people don’t have an impact on my daily life whatsoever. And Paris Hilton… God have mercy… That woman has become a celebrity, and she hasn’t even done anything. I remember when she was arrested and people were worrying about what it would do to her career. One question: “What career?” The last time I checked, she’s only famous for making a complete fool of herself by partying all the time, acting like an idiot on a fake tv show, and videotaping herself having sex with her boyfriend. Wow, that’s some career! I’m sure going to jail will really hurt all that hard work she’s been doing. I would go so far as to say that the only thing that has made her a celebrity is Tabloid Television. So please, just go away… all of you.

People are always in a hurry
For what? Where is it that people have to be in such a hurry? I think my biggest annoyance with this is at church. You come to church for a reason, and it’s not to meet up with friends, or family. You’re there for God. So why is it that people seem so irritated if the service lasts longer than an hour? I would think people would want to stay in church as long as they can in order to hear the Word of God being preached, or to hear God being praised. And I don’t want to hear the excuse that “People get hungry around lunch time.” Eat before you come to church. Eat a good breakfast, then right before you come to Sunday School (if you even come to Sunday School) eat something that will hold you over. Plan for it! One of the benefits of the church service going over it’s schedule is that the people who got out of church earlier than you will be leaving the restaurants by the time you get there. While I’m on that subject, I’m amazed at the number of people who will zoom around me, and then cut me off just to turn into McDonald’s.

Well this is enough for this week. I had some other things I was going to put on this list, and I asked my wife to store those things in her “memory palace” (because she has a better memory than me). I’m fairly certain she stored them in her memory palace, but apparently she forgot where she put them.

I’m always amazed at God’s faithfulness. I’ve been sick all day today, and I must admit that I have been somewhat depressed. I came home from work early today and slept in order to get myself feeling better. When I woke up hours later, I half-heartedly checked my email to see if I had received anything important. Indeed, I had.

My sister (who has no idea of how I’ve been feeling today) sent some emails to me with links to songs and sermons of the Holiness Church (like the one I grew up in). She had pointed me to a song called “Holy Spirit Flow Through Me” which was indeed a great song and I was uplifted by it. But then she had sent another email suggesting I listen to a sermon from back in 1958 by Scott B. Pyle called “Standing Grace”. Hearing Mr. Pyle’s sermon encouraged me and lifted me up as I sat here (sick) at my desk, captivated for nearly 35 minutes non-stop listening to this sermon, and Mr. Pyle’s testimony. I heard myself saying “Amen!” at so many places throughout this sermon.

I want to say how much I believe God is faithful to all of us. God wants us to be together in church every time the doors are open in order to worship and glorify Him, and encourage and strengthen each other in our Christian faith. I’ve been blessed today by this song, this sermon, and by my sister’s emails which pointed me to them. So I want to share a story/parable I received a while back which demonstrates the importance of encouraging each other in our walk with Jesus.

Parable Of The Spoon
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, “Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.”

The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man’s mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The Lord said, “You have seen Hell.”

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man’s mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, “I don’t understand.” It is simple” said the Lord, “it requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other.”

It’s been a year since my mom died, and today is her birthday.  This has been a rough week trying to deal with the emotions that surface when I think about what was going on this time last year.  However, I wrote this email to my sister back in November and I’ve found that it sums up a lot of the way I view life now without Mother. She had written to me about how much she misses Mother, so I wrote this back to her:

As far as what you’re feeling about Mother, you know I understand where
you’re coming from. I’m not qualified to “preach” to you, so I won’t,
but I personally have been questioning God a lot lately, myself. I see
that baby in Jessica’s womb, and I see it moving around, and it’s
little arms, legs, hands, feet, etc. and I’m overwhelmed with joy. But
then I look around and see Jessica’s mom standing there looking at the
ultrasound, and I think “Why would God take Mother from me before this
happened?” I haven’t really come out and said it, but I’m somewhat
bitter about not know why He would do something like this to me when He
knows how much it meant to me.

I saw Jeffrey Barnett coming out of Food Lion on Saturday, and when I
saw him my heart sort of skipped a beat because I can see some of
Mother’s face in his. I rolled down the window and talked to him for a
minute, and then he left. After he left, I tried to think of the last
time I had seen him, and I couldn’t remember. Then I thought about the
last time I went to Mother’s grave, and I couldn’t remember that
either. So I decided to go out to the cemetery in the Nissan (Mother’s
old car). The radio doesn’t work, so I had complete silence all the
way out there. Usually I’m a complete mess by the time I get out
there, but this time I was calm when I got out there.

I spoke to her as if she could hear me, and I felt comforted. I told
her “Well Mother, I finally got your car, as you can see.” Then I
talked about how I had gotten some things fixed on it. Then I told her
about the baby, and how excited I am about it. Then when I looked up
and saw that car sitting there, and I thought about the times she had
told me she had driven that car out to the cemetery to see Aunt Cat,
and Papaw, I completely lost it for a several minutes. Then I felt
comforted again, and I got myself together and talked to her about the
family, and about Pops, and Jessica. I even talked to her about how
I’m such a terrible Christian, and that I’m starting to feel like I’m
no longer saved. I know it sounds crazy, but I actually sat there and
talked as if she could hear me for about an hour. I sat on the side of
her headstone and talked about everything that came to my mind. Once I
got everything aired out, I told her I was sorry that I hadn’t been
coming out to see her more often, but that I hadn’t been able to get
myself mentally ready to do it. I told her that Pops had wanted me to
take him out to see her when he was out at our house two weeks ago, but
that I told him I couldn’t do it mentally. I then promised her that I
would bring him out with me the next time he came down to spend the
night with Ann.

I have felt somewhat better since I went out there, but I still find
myself getting upset and going into another room to cry. As a matter
of fact, I couldn’t even write this email without it happening. When I
stand back and look at why I even bother to continue going on with
life, I think about the words Jim Hutchison said to me. I had told him
that I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life without my mother,
and he said “Kevin, just think about this… The time you have left
here on earth without your mom is like the blink of an eye when it’s
compared to the time you’ll spend with her in eternity when your time
comes.” I think about that a lot. I’ve thanked Jim over and over for
those words, and I don’t think he can possibly imagine how much it does
for me to think of things that way.

The last thing I’ll say about this is that there are a lot of times
that I can still see Mother, only it’s in an abstract way. I can see
Mother in all of us. Jeffrey has her temper, and her hard head.
Marcus is like her with the way he’s always picking on his kids, and
everybody seems to like him right away (the same way everybody loved
Mother after they met her). Then I look at you, and think about how
you’ve inherited a lot of Mother’s traits, too, such as her sense of
humor, her temper (well, I think we all got that from her though), her
love for the holidays, her passion for family, and even the ability to
cook like her. I sometimes see Mother in myself when I find myself
laughing out of control, or laughing about things that other people
don’t find funny, or whenever I find myself being a motor-mouth.
Jessica calls me “Rita” on a regular basis (and in a good way, of
course) because I’m stubborn.

So when you look at it from that point of view, we still have Mother
with us, it’s just that she’s just split up amongst us. I plan to go
on living my life and strive to be the person she raised me to be. I
know she wouldn’t have me, or any of the rest of us be down in the
dumps just because she’s not here. Yes, she’s was the life of every
party or get-together, but God decided to invite her to His party, and
she’s with Him now. She’s there with her Earthly mother and father, as
well as her big sister, so she’s in good company. If we keep our hearts
in the right place, we’ll see them all again when the time comes, but
in the meantime we have to continue with our own lives and make the
most of it while we can.

Life is beautiful, and way too short to be down in the dumps and sad
all the time.

I’ve been pretty down lately for many reasons. Sometimes I get so down that I don’t know how I’m ever going to get back up, but then God sends somebody to me to encourage me, or help me. God is faithful like that, and He was faithful again last night.

I was stressed (due to work) yesterday, due to a backup problem I thought I had fixed at work, but found out yesterday that it had reappeared and caused an engineer to lose some work. Every time something like that happens to me, I feel terrible for a long time, and yesterday was no different. After a lot of stressing out, and working overtime that was nearly ridiculous, I received a call from an old friend who cheered me up without even knowing he did it.

He’s probably the best friend I have ever had in my life. He and I don’t see much of each other these days, but I’ve always considered him to have the most integrity out of all my old friends. He never criticized me when I was down, and he never turned his back on me at any point. If I needed somebody to back me up in some situation, he’d be there to help me, no doubt!

He called me out-of-the-blue to congratulate me on my soon-to-be fatherhood. He had found out from my nephew and decided to give me a call to ask me about it. This makes me feel a little bad because I didn’t call him to tell him this news, but the only excuse I can make is that I didn’t have any way to get in touch with him because I don’t have his cell number.

After we reminisced, he and I told each other how things have been going with our lives now. I felt sorry for him as he told me about the his divorce, and even more so when he told me about his brother’s death. I couldn’t help but laugh at him when he told me about some of the fights he had been in (it’s probably bad to laugh at fighting, but some of his stories were hilarious). Then I admired him as he told me about how he happy and content he is with his life as it is now.

By the time we hung up with each other (a couple of hours later) I felt like the old me again. I was taken back so many years. I’m happy with my life, but sometimes my frustrations tend to cloud my thinking and I get down on myself. But out of nowhere I got that call last night and I feel renewed. The moral of this post is to say that a conversation with an old friend can go a long way, so don’t lose touch with your true friends, especially the great ones like my friend Shawn. The guy is awesome, and I’m extremely honored to have him as a friend.

I have bad self esteem when it comes to my walk with Jesus because I feel so unworthy of Him. I’ve been trying to listen more intently when God speaks to me, but I’m really bad about shrugging things off because I usually think “well, God wouldn’t ask ‘me’ to do something like that. I’m a terrible Christian, so He should probably get somebody more spiritually mature to do that.” I usually end up listening to this logic, and end up doing NOTHING for God. This cycle of faulty logic finally came to an end on Christmas Eve 2006. So here’s the story…

Jessica has been getting on me lately about singing in church. I’ve always promised her that I’d do it sometime, but I never got around to it. That all changed when she found a song called “While You Were Sleeping” by Casting Crowns. I loved the song the first time I heard it, and so I learned it (which turned out to be my undoing as far as singing in church goes). Jessica insisted that I sing it on Christmas Eve at the candlelight service. I half-heartedly told her I would do it, but I figured I could find some way out of it. But I didn’t…

I was extremely nervous, and everybody kept telling me to just sing it for God, and not to worry about the people there, which is good advice, but easier said than done. However, our worship leader, Jim Farmer, gave me some sound advice about imagining everybody in their underwear, and that lightened things up for me. When my time came, I got up there (while a video was playing) and said a quick private prayer (one of many I prayed that day) and asked God to please not let the attention be on me, but let all the attention be on Him. I was fortunate to have Elaine Hutchison, an absolutely wonderful musician and person, up there with me and she did an awesome job accompanying me on the keyboard. The time came, and I sang the song. I’ve never felt such relief as I did after that song was over. I felt like God might have been pleased with me for obeying Him, and that’s a rare feeling for me.

I don’t feel like I did a great job on the song (I’m not a singer, I’m a guitar player), but I feel like this was something God has been wanting me to do for Him for a long time. I want to do whatever God wants me to do. I don’t want to deny Him of anything I can do for Him. Even if it seems strange to me that He would want me to do something that seems out of character for me, I should do it anyway, and without even thinking twice about it. I pray that I’ll reach that point in my walk with Jesus where I’ll just do things for Him without even thinking about it.

I wish my mom could have been there to see me sing. She always wanted me to sing, but I usually shrugged her requests off, too. It’s times like this where I wish I could go back in time and sing for her every time she asked me to, but it’s impossible now. However, when I look back, there is something to be learned from denying my mother’s requests… That is, I should strive to never reach a point in my life where I’ll wish I could go back and do the things God asked me to do throughout my life.

Psalms 104:33 - I will sing unto the LORD as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.